Instructions for Reading This Obama Fan Fiction: 1. Read, 2. Auto-erotically Asphixiate self, 3. Profit

Warning:  This is a conversation between Mouse and myself and should not be read by anyone.  It’s offensive to Chris Matthews and arugula.  I’m only posting it cause I think it’s funny.  (It’s not though).

 

Kristen

Chris Matthews wants to make sweet love to Obama.

He just needs to admit it.

Mouse

You can see that cock hungry glint in his eyes.

Kristen

Totally.

Mouse

Oh God, seriously, I wouldn’t be surprised if he ripped off his mic and walked off to the nearest airport, flew to where Obama was and just dropped to his knees, licked his lips and let’r rip.

Kristen

Hahaha

Yes, totally.

Mouse

He’s right though.

I can see why they call this a liberal network.

I love it though.

Kristen

Yeah totally.

It’s our Fox.

Mouse

Except you know, they don’t get secret letters from the White House.

And they fact check.

And they aren’t insane.

Except Matthews.

Tad crazy.

Kristen

His desire for Obama is totally sane though.

Mouse

I think even the white hicks voting against him want him.

They’re just afraid.

But obama’s gentle.

He cuddles afterward.

Makes small talk before he moves on.

Kristen

He lets you stay the night.

Makes breakfast in the morning.

And it’s not just cereal.

No, he makes you eggs.

Mouse

Oh, totally.

With like bell peppers and stuff.

Fancy eggs.

Kristen

Arugula.

He’d break the fancy spinach out.

Mouse

He grows it.

Kristen

And that’s where you find him in the morning.

In the garden getting arugula to make your eggs.

Mouse

Tending the herbs.

Shirtless.

Slight sweat on his brow.

Kristen

Ooo.

Mouse

Michelle is away for the weekend.

Kristen

You bring him some coffee.

Mouse

He takes it black.

Just like you do.

And hot.

Scalding hot.

We should write a dirty novel.

Kristen

A little Obama erotica.

We’ll make a little joke and he’ll wipe his brow with his t shirt.

Mouse

And he’ll laugh, but only slightly.

And you both catch each other’s eyes.

And there’ll be a moment of quiet.

Where you know you’re his.

And that he knows he’ll be having his way with you.

cut to: sex on counter in kitchen

Kristen

Yeah but puts a dish towel under your head.

Wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable.

Okay, this is going on the blog.

Greatest Description of a Movie Ever

Andy:

Greatest description of a movie:

The gruesome tapestry of psychological manifestations of a nineteen year old bulimic runaway stripper-turned prostitute as she descends into a hellish pit of satanic nightmares and hallucinations.

Me:

Hahahaha.  Wow.

John Lopez: Gardener and Excellent Fertilizer.

Kristen

Wow Sheba is crying at me.

I wonder if Timmy is stuck in a well.

Mouse

Ask her to tap accordingly.

One tap, yes.

Two taps, no.

Kristen

More like meow.

She’s meowing up a storm

She has food and water

I held her.

Mouse

No, the meow means the British have entered the bikini state.

Which means she is asking you to enter the Shebunker or her personal ShebaJet.

Kristen

Haha

Shebashelter.

It’s under the house.

We just don’t know about it yet.

Mouse

One day your dad is going to be digging up a weed or planting something in the yard and he’s going to hear a metallic clink when the shovel hits it. He’ll say “what the hell?” and over his shoulder you’ll see Sheba, looking out the window with a scowl on her face, knowing what needed to be done. No one ever did hear of John Lopez again, but they say that if you listen closely in the night…

if it’s quiet enough, you can still hear him berate you.

Kristen

hahahaha

Okay, this is getting blogged.

Mouse

Leave out the berate part.

I didn’t know how to end it.

Frightening

The past few days since the last debate have been frightening.  I’ve now seen several McCain rallies in which angry voters are being whipped up into a frenzy over the idea of Barack Obama becoming president.

I understand that the McCain campaign is backed into a corner and they’re throwing whatever and the kitchen sink at Obama in hopes of making one good hit, but there should be such a thing as responsiblity in elections.

What’s happened to the maverick, the guy who ran a clean campaign (and lost, of course) against Bush in 2000?  Or the guy who admitted that the Keating Five scandal was the worst thing he had ever done?

Well, he’s gone now and apparently in his place is someone who’s hell bent on tearing the country apart.

I’m not about to say that Obama will win the election first, because he might not, and second because I don’t want to jinx it.  (Yes, superstition, what are you gonna do)?

However, if he is elected, McCain is going to have a hell of a time in his concession speech.  How will that play out?  ”Even though our new president is a terrorist and we have no idea who he is we should still get behind… that one.”

Really.

Sarah Palin not silencing a crowd yelling ‘terrorist’ is a very revealing thing- is this actually what the McCain campaign believes or do they just want us to believe that without having to say it outloud?

Mudslinging is one thing but allowing men who cry out, “kill him” in the middle of your speech is something completely different.  It’s terrifying.

More Adventures of Mimsy and Archibald

Mouse

Amuse me, Mimsy.

Kristen

Let me put on my tap shoes, Archie.

Mouse 

I like that the British equivalent of our Defcon system is called the Bikini System.

Kristen

Really?

Mouse

Yeah.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BIKINI_state

So like if they’re in  Red Bikini state, they’re in a nuclear war.

God forbid they reach the Teeny Weeny Polka Dot Bikini state.

Kristen

Hahahaha.

**

Btw:  About two years ago, Mouse and I decided that Mimsy and Archibald were our filthy rich counterparts who do nothing all day but sit around on our imaginary yacht drinking imaginary mai tais.  Every once in a while they come and play.

John Live Tweets the VP Debate (Kinda)

Warnings:  This blog was made by my brother, John, who is 19.  I came home and found 91 messages on my messenger system.  I wasn’t able to watch the debate and live-tweet so he did it for me.

*Aww*

However, this blog should really not be viewed by anyone.  It’s offensive to Sarah Palin, John McCain’s various body parts, makes vulgar references to Pulp Fiction, There Will Be Blood, The Chappelle Show and John McCain’s time in the Hanoi Hilton.  Please do not send me comments saying that you were offended because I’m giving you warning.  The reason I’m posting this is 1)  My brother went through the trouble of doing this for me.  2)  My cousin Miranda wants to read it.  And 3)  I think my brother’s funny. 

John’s Blogging:

Palin’s American flag pin is really nice. I think she has my vote.

I hate her voice though.

Biden looks like he wants to rip out Palin’s throat and use it as a ball point pen for his notes.

I could never debate against Biden.

I’d just agree with everything.

Wow, she’s doing horrible..

They both are.

She wants to state her track record? Talk about swinging her balls around.

I’m live tweeting for you.

I do like this moderator though.

No one wants to fuck with a black lady with 80’s hair.

I think Biden kicked ass with the tax debate…. and he’s not even done yet.

Wow, I think Palin is winning right now..

She is actually answering this question very, very well.

Biden is trying to beat McCain with his wrinkly old penis…. made of steel.

Ouch… good rebuttal from Biden…. I think he has to dumb it down for us Middle class people though.

I feel like he’s looking only at ME.

I love how he never said We can’t do as promised…. awesome avoidance.

Lol… ” you know what I had to do in my state of Alaska and battle them.”

Not much of a complete sentence….

Biden being a good sportsman.

Global warming?? Random question.

Wow, these questions are pretty random and unimportant… kind of like the Vice President position.

Talking about ten years to get oil… not if you get use a straw……. DRAINAGE

She’s “tolerant” of homosexuals.. nice.

But she doesn’t want it to spread too. I think she said….. changing the meaning of marriage.

I don’t think Biden or Palin are doing well at all.

Palin is using very, very basic debating techniques with her “mommy” and governor experience.

Biden is just using his usual shooting and wishing he hits something.

He has alot of info, just not using it well.

I’m confused…

Ouch. “I dont hear a plan…” — Biden.

Palin didn’t answer the question so

I don’t think it’s good for the Iraqi troops to take control, their casualties tripled when we gave them power.

“Victory which is in sight” “Giving the white flag of surrender” — things not said well by Palin

“John McCain has been dead wrong about all aspects of the war”

Nice…

The Castro brothers dangerous?

LOL

The communists aren’t doing anything. it’s not the cold war again

Dictators hating America? Nah

Palin is so funny

Biden is totally exploiting the fact that Palin and McCain have no knowledge on the history of Iran and Pakistan.

Good move

Palin is using her sexy red high heels

Palin’s face is just…. blank when Biden brought up that McCain wouldn’t meet with Spain a NATO ally!

She just used the words “Second holocaust”

Go Jews!

I love Biden.. He’s using a third person argument.

“Joe Biden has always liked Israel”

Everyone loves Israel…

Biden is breathing really hard…. I think he’s upset.

He wants to slap a bitch

Is Joe Biden gonna have to choke a bitch?

Xionger tweets: Palin’s only winning to those who don’t understand the issues.

“It’s good to know that we both love Israel”

lol

Seriously Palin’s pin is so big… I think it’s talking for her.

She’s asking to talk about Afghanistan… now it’s obvious she has no ideas for herself…

This man makes me want to name my child Joe Biden, just so he can talk in third person POV.

Palin doesn’t know much of what she probably googled.. or read on atypicalsnowman’s twitter.

She thought she had control, now her face looks like she wants to go back and crawl into a moose stomach.

Ouch, touche by calling Biden a regular politician by flip-flopping on the war

Biden is debating like an old man, boring, regular, but relaxing and makes me feel good.

“John McCain knows how to win a war” “He knows what evil is”

1) How does he know how to win a war if he got thrown into a POW camp… pussy

I bet he never stuck a watch up his ass.

2) You gotta be evil to know evil

John Lopez =1

Palin= 0

She called herself a team of Mavericks.

I swear I can’t stop staring at that American flag lapel.

It’s so distracting.

She should’ve just painted her face instead

News update: Biden spends alot of time in Katie’s and Home Depot.

Wow

“Say it aint so Joe you pointed the finger back again”

Palin is being so fucking aggressive right now

I gotta go study now, This concludes my live tweeting

See ya later foo

Test tomorrow

: )

i mean

X(

Live-Tweeting the Debates.

I was incredibly glad that I was able to watch the debates on Friday night, beer perched precariously on knee while live-tweeting.  I was joined by my cousin Miranda, who seemed to luck out a bit and was also able to join the fun on twitter, sadly sans alcohol.

**********

Getting ready for the Debate Drinking Game. Anyone else playing? 06:31 PM September 26, 2008 from web

@influxx Drink when McCain says “my friends” or contradicts himself twice in one sentence and Obama says “change” or “hope.” 06:37 PM September 26, 2008 from web in reply to influxx

Apparently there are official rules: Drinking game: #obamashot every time he says “change” and #mccainshot every time he says “my friends.” 07:27 PM September 26, 2008 from Election 2008

RT @samhendricks Nationwide drinking game tonight: #obamashot waterfall your beer until Obama finishes commending McCain for his service. 07:33 PM September 26, 2008 from Election 2008

So really has the debate just become an excuse to get drunk? I’ve never drunk tweeted before, this should be fun. 07:40 PM September 26, 2008 from Election 2008

Alright, here we go. I’d just like to say I love Lehrer’s tie. @richhumofair John is still en-route so it’s just me and my mom and a beer. 08:02 PM September 26, 2008 from web

‘Oversight’ is the key word here. Oh, and he comes out swinging on the 8 years of Bush economic policies. 08:06 PM September 26, 2008 from web

Question: Is anyone else reminded of that footage of the Nixon/Kennedy debate while watching these two? 08:08 PM September 26, 2008 from web

Lehrer demanding they answer the question is pure class. We should have made #mainstreet shot. 08:10 PM September 26, 2008 from web

Thank God, some levity. Awkward, passive aggressive levity, but levity all the same. 08:12 PM September 26, 2008 from web

@richhumofair Haha, yes, but I meant more like cool, smooth, up and coming senator versus sweaty old guy. But yes, there is the date. 08:14 PM September 26, 2008 from web in reply to richhumofair

@richhumofair Okay. I declare a #mainstreet shot and while we’re at it #earmarks shot. Everyone throw one back. 08:17 PM September 26, 2008 from web in reply to richhumofair

Oh snap. McCain: maybe billions of dollars isn’t a lot of money to Obama. Also: take a shot when @atypicalsnowman says “oh snap.” 08:19 PM September 26, 2008 from web

@influxx Yes. Totally. Also, a shot when McCain’s tie tries to hypnotize you. 08:24 PM September 26, 2008 from web in reply to influxx

Those quiet moments when Obama looks down, he’s talking with Jesus telepathically. 08:20 PM September 26, 2008 from web

Thank God, Obama’s finally going on attack a bit on the tax breaks. McCain’s stuttering looks ridiculous. 08:26 PM September 26, 2008 from web

McCain is getting more little snide jokes in. “It’s hard to reach across the aisle when you’re that far to the left.” Sounds too scripted. 08:29 PM September 26, 2008 from web

“Problem with a spending freeze is you’re using a hatchet when you should use a scalpel.”– point to Obama. 08:33 PM September 26, 2008 from web

Oh my God. McCain calling himself a maverick. You can’t call yourself a maverick. That’s like calling yourself cool.  It negates it. 08:39 PM September 26, 2008 from web

Oh snap. “John, you were wrong.” Over and over again. If the audience, could, they’d be both applauding and booing. 08:45 PM September 26, 2008 from web

Did Obama just say “kill Bin Laden?” Damn… Obama needs to step it up, McCain is trying to walk all over him. 08:49 PM September 26, 2008 from web

Obama just said the word that dares not speak its name: Pakistan. 08:52 PM September 26, 2008 from web

Oh my God. Did you see McCain’s death glare at the ‘bomb Iran’ reference? 08:57 PM September 26, 2008 from web

Obama: I have a bracelet too. No solider dies in vain. Thank you, Senator. 09:01 PM September 26, 2008 from web

@roadgoer “Bracelet” statements like that need to be addressed because they make Democrats seem like they’re not patriotic. 09:10 PM September 26, 2008 from web in reply to roadgoer

Since when is Kissinger’s name something to invoke in a debate? 09:16 PM September 26, 2008 from web

They’re going to call MCain on that Ossetia comment very soon. 09:22 PM September 26, 2008 from web

Wow, McCain didn’t reference being a POW till the very end. Must be some kind of record. 09:37 PM September 26, 2008 from web

God I hate talking politics with my parents. My mother actually said, “That last part sounded like Obama hates America.” 09:41 PM September 26, 2008 from web

Bugged me that McCain never called him “Barack” the way he called him “John.” That last remark was great. “That’s where my name comes from.” 09:46 PM September 26, 2008 from web

@richhumofair I just told my mother that McCain not wearing an American flag pin means he hates Jesus. John laughed, she didn’t. 09:50 PM September 26, 2008 from web in reply to richhumofair

Oh, did I miss the beginning of an urban legend? I listened to the feed but can’t tell if McCain says “horseshit” or not. about 23 hours ago from Election 2008

Great related tweets:

Slate:  ”Senator, let me just make a point: I’ve got a bracelet too.” And mine’s sparkly! 09:01 PM September 26, 2008 from web

While most of the polls show the debate going to Obama, I think it was a tie.  I think Obama allowed McCain to steamroll him while McCain was rude and standoffish, which is never a good characteristic in a debate.  Remember Nixon?  Either way, I don’t think the debate resolved anything in the minds of undecided voters and have to admit to being nervous about the VP debates.  You know that’s not going to end well for either of them.

La Fours Finally Catches up to Cassidy at his Ranch. Shoot Out Ensues. Salad Dressing Everywhere.

[Andy] 

Damn, Paul Newman died?

Kristen

Yeah, dude.

[Andy] 

I just saw him on my dressing yesterday

Kristen

Yeah, things happen quickly like that.

************

Mouse 

Fuck.

Paul Newman is dead.

Where the hell am I supposed to get my salad dressings now?

Redford?

Fuck no

His are all variations of Ranch with things he just throws in there.

Like caterpillars

Kristen

Hahaha

I Want to Marry SNL and Have, Like, Ten Million of its Babies.

Have I mentioned lately how much I love Saturday Night Live?  Because I do.  Yes, there are years where they kind of fall off the ball a bit and years where their cast is lacking but they’ve always had their finger on the pulse of America, especially when it comes to politics.

Earlier in the year, it seemed like the press had not only gotten into bed with Senator Obama, they were getting measured for rings.  Even I, an staunch Obama supporter, thought it was getting a bit ridiculous.  It was like he could do no wrong, there were little flubs here and there that were edited out of his broadcasts, things like that that really showed the media’s favoritism.

And this is coming from the person who wears a “Barack and Roll” pin.

Hillary was truly getting the short end of the stick.  Now, Hillary is a strong, bitchy woman (not that there’s anything wrong with that) and the media, as well as people in general, have no problem attacking a strong woman.

So, while all of this is going on, here comes SNL with the second debate between the two contenders.

Transcript:

Campbell Brown: In 1992, Hillary Clinton’s husband, William Jefferson Clinton, became the 42nd President of the United States. A few years after that, he cheated on her again, and she was able to ride the ensuing wave of sympathy into the U.S. Senate, against a weak Republican opponent in an overwhelmingly Democratic state. In the Senate, she is widely known as a good listener, with an excellent attendance record. 

And our first question is for Senator Obama, from Jorge Ramos. 

[ cut to Jorge Ramos, with Question Tag: "Is There Anything We Can Get Sen. Obama?" ] 

Jorge Ramos: Uh — Senator Obama… are you comfortable? Is there anything we can get for you? 

Barack Obama: No. Thank you. I’m fine. 

Campbell Brown: John King, a follow-up? 

[ Question Tag now reads: "Is Sen. Obama Sure There Isn't Anything We Can Get Him? Because It's Really No Trouble." ] 

John King: Senator Obama, uh — a minute ago, Jorge Ramos asked if there was anything we could get you, and you said, “No, thank you. I’m fine.” My question is: Are you sure? Because it’s, you know, it’s really no trouble. 

Barack Obama: [ motioning his hand ] I… am quite sure. Thank you, though. 

Because, really, it was getting a bit ridiculous.  After that sketch and a brief Clinton interview with Jon Stewart, the media kind of woke up all of a sudden and started acting like the media again.  SNL brought up the reality of the situation and forced us to admit to it.  They went where the traditional media was afraid to go.

Flash forward a few months later and the same thing was happening with Sarah Palin.  The media began giving McCain/Palin a bit of a free ride and Obama’s campaign fell into a slump.  As much as I’d like to complain, I do think that Palin has a great deal of charisma and in that respect (and that respect only) she was a good pick for McCain.  He got his little post-convention bump quickly.

And then…  *sigh* like a good friend SNL came back into the picture with Tina Fey donning the Palin glasses and hair bun.

“I can see Russia from my house.”

I’m just going around saying that to people now.  I’m not going to quote the video anymore because I know you’ve all seen it.  Suffice to say that that SNL sketch was on MSNBC at least five times an hour the following Monday.  Thus, the free ride for Sarah Palin is over.  Now we get to read about Trooper-gate and tanning beds.  I’d like to give Tina Fey and Amy Poehler a kiss.

Of course, it doesn’t help the McCain/Palin free ride that the banking system is hemorrhaging this week or with McCain going around saying the fundamental of our economy are still strong.

Sheba is Arabic for Bringer of Death.

Mouse

Ugh, I’m so short on rent this month.

Kristen

If you want to go on a spree, just let me know.

Mouse

You bringing Sheba?

She’s like a killer.

Kristen

She has her tiny knives on her.

She’s deadly.

Mouse

The Chinese call her 简体中文版.

The killer blur.

She’s fast.

Some say she can kill you before you were conceived

Just by staring at your father’s testicles.

Kristen

Hahaha

I’m blogging that.